My right-wing nutjob officemate loaned me a book a few weeks ago.  Written in the mid-1980s, the tome is intended to be a “how-to” guide in case the Soviets invade the United States and take over.  It suggests that “we can by no means guarantee that readers of this book will be among the survivors, but at least, we offer some tips that might mean that their chances will be considerably improved.”  Sort of a “practical” Red Dawn, I suppose.

My officemate seems to take this stuff very seriously.  He's very conservative.  He's worked for numerous right-wing causes, and seems to regard almost any mainstream Republican as too liberal.  When Virginia passed its anti-gay amendment in the last election, he was so excited that ... well, he was excited.  It worries me that he seems to have a fondness for Mike R-P when he stops by the office.  Anyhow, the fact that my officemate and I get along at any level is something like a miracle, as I am just the opposite of him.  Perhaps it's because I have a certain fascination with right-wing paranoia.  Thus, when he offered to loan me his book, I was indeed excited to read the thing, though it occurs that maybe he thought it would somehow convert me to his point of view.

It did not.

I finally got around to reading the book this weekend, and was a little disappointed that the book wasn’t more rich with material then it was.  There are, nonetheless, some juicy tidbits, which I've shared below.  Written by Robert Conquest (which sounds like a porn name), and Jon Manchip White (I’m not even going there!), the book is entitled “What to do when the Russians Come:  A Survivors Guide.”

After “a flurry of ‘by-elections’ to fill the seats that have been vacated by men who have been executed, who have fled the country, or who have resigned in despair,” the book suggests, “Congress and state and local bodies will be largely transformed into organs that offer no effective resistance to the consolidation of the new order.” 

Interesting, I thought – and that is different from today in what way …. ?

Executions and forced labor, it seems, would figure large under the new order:  I suppose THAT'S different:

“In a ‘difficult’ country like America, where the traditions of liberty has been strong, the probability is that, apart from executions, about 25 percent of the adult population will ultimately be sent to forced-labor camps or exiled under compulsory settlement in distant desert or artic regions …”

The good news is that those of us who work for the government are apparently safe, for the book suggests that “like all inefficient social systems, the Soviet Union is a bureaucrats’ paradise.  There will be no lack of reports to compile and forms to fill in, with a corresponding need for hordes of clerks.”  The new order might also be good for minorities: “The Russians will turn their attention to the blacks, as to the other minorities, as a major article of policy … The American Communists at one time envisaged a black Soviet republic in the old “Black Belt” in the South; but this was abandoned long ago in favor of an integrationist attitude, and it now seems unlikely, although perhaps not quite impossible, that it will be revived.  More probably areas with a high proportion of black population will have black mayors, and the first secretary of the local Communist party will also be black.”

Black mayors?!  How shocking!!  I’m also told by the book that women will have to work instead of being housewives.  My gawd, when will the horror stop!?

I’m thinking Racing Union might want to step up its training because athletes will apparently fare well in the new order:  “… the dangers of the profession are comparatively small, and you will have the satisfaction of being able to give your fellow citizens harmless pleasure at a time when there will be little of that around.”

Oddly, and in contradiction to the whole business of being in shape to survive the work camps (“If you at present perform a desk job or follow some other sedentary occupation, it is vital that you make yourself fit and ready for hard manual labor.”), the book suggests that smoking is a good option.  “We do not urge you to take up smoking again,” the book says, “but if you do, the risks will be negligible compared with the others facing you.  If you do give in to it, you may find the sense of revivification worth it, since unlike other drugs, even alcohol, it will not blunt the edge of your vigilance.”

There’s some good news in the book.:  “Baptist will be peculiarly ill regarded by the Communist authorities…,” as will John Birch Society members (!), and KKK members (yes, that’s really in the book).  On the other hand, there’s this useful warning against member of the “New Left,” who are all, apparently, gay, on drugs, and wear beards:

“You should … make some attempt to come to terms with reality.  For example, the Communist party line will not embrace pot smoking, homosexuality, hardly even beards.  Therefore, if you are an adherent of the New Left, you should consider (1) getting rid of your drugs, (2) concealing your deviant proclivities, and (3) shaving off your whiskers.”

The book concludes with the advice “Burn this book.”  I think I agree.

--posted by Chris