The Supreme Revolutionary Council for Propagation of Message announced that upon arriving at the airport following the return from his listening tour, Dear Leader was escorted to a helicopter and flown to an undisclosed location. In his place, General Hector Ortiz Chuega has assumed control of the Supreme Revolutionary Council for Internal Security.

Citing a growing threat to the Union by capitalist forces, General Chuega has instituted martial law for all provinces effective immediately. All non-party members have been instructed to report to their respective local party administrators.

Members of the American Council for the Advancement and Procurement of Goods for the People (tm) [ACAP GP] were rounded up in trucks late last night. According to General Chuega, these "capitalist slugs attempted to drain the lifeblood of the revolution and required swift and dramatic action to protect the people and restore our clear path to victory." They will no longer threaten our children with their dangerous rhetoric.